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Here is the track listing from Tony's 1997 album, Phenomenon.
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Coming soon, "Fishing For Girls"!
Short Term Affair, a duet with his au-pair.
Check out the tune
Short-term affair (Coogan)
Tony: It's a short-term affair
You're my childrens' au-pair
But I just couldn't bear
Both: To keep my hands off you
Au-pair: I was barely eighteen
What you did was obscene
But to me it felt clean
Both: What else was I to do?
Tony: The memory still lingers
You cooking the kids' fish fingers
Ironing
Au-pair: Each morning you'd come down
In your paisley dressing gown
Then you'd see [? - indecipherable]
and this yearning started
For a short-term affair
Tony: No intention to stray
Au-pair: I was caught in your snare
Tony: But my wife was away
Au-pair: You were so debonair
Tony: So I thought what the hey
Both: I know I can't resist
Tony: It was a short-term affair
Au-pair: You're the man, you're the boss
Tony: When I found you right there
Au-pair: Like the father I lost
Tony: Cleaning our silverware
Au-pair: So to hell with the cost
Both: Right there I was [? - indecipherable]
Au-pair: You took me to the kitchen
Your hands kindof started twitching
I felt so shy
Tony: Nothing could stop what followed
Lucky for me you swallowed
Every lie
Both: But Lord knows why we had
This short-term affair
Both: Just a short-term affair
Like a red camembert
There's a smell in the air
Au-pair: I know that it's over now
Tony: Try to be strong somehow
Au-pair: I'll start a brand new life
Tony: Please, please don't tell my wife
Au-pair: But I won't stop loving you
Tony: Please, please don't tell my wife
Au-pair: Au revoir, ciao, auf wiedersehen
Tony: We must never meet again
Both: Short-term affair
Au-pair: Ooh
Both: Short-term affair
Au-pair: Baby baby baby
Both: Short-term affair
Tony: Ooh aa-aah
Both: Short-term affair
Bigamy at Christmas, a warning of the dangers of polygamy.
Bigamy at Christmas (Coogan)
Peace on Earth, Good will to all men,
Jesus is born in Bethlehem.
But think of the man who marries two wives.
He's in a pickle when Christmas arrives.
Once there was a time everything was fine,
A wife and two kids, though I've found,
That life is to live, I got so much to give,
But there ain't enough of me to go round,
And round, and round.
Bigamy at Christmas, what am I to do?
Spend it with the family?
I can't - I've got two!
Bigamy at Christmas, I'm in a jam!
Turkey with Emily or pudding with Pam?
A puppy for Jean, a dog for Maxine,
Nintendos for Pablo and Steve.
A Christmas shopping list for a bigamist
Is a very very very long one indeed!
Bigamy at Christmas, what am I to do?
Spend it with the family?
I can't - I've got two!
Bigamy at Christmas, I tell you the truth,
I also married Natalie, Suzanne, Jill and Ruth.
Ha Ha Ha - I joke, of course
Two is quite enough...
Come, sing along
Bigamy at Christmas, what am I to do?
Spend it with the family?
I can't - I've got two!
Bigamy at Christmas, what am I to do?
Spend it with the family?
I can't - I've got two!
Okay everybody - open your presents!
Oh! My Little Pony for Jean!
And Pablo's got Mortal Kombat!
And oven gloves for Mummy!
And for me? Oh, just what I wanted! Soap on a rope!
Remember that Bigamy is illegal!
Merry Christmas!
And, just for you, a bonus song that I don't yet have the lyrics for, Papa Bendi the song that won the Eurovision Song Contest
If you have lyrics for any of his other songs, please email them to me at john_catt@hotmail.com. Thanks!
"Morals? Who cares? A stud must have mares!"